Smart Parenting - How To Raise Happy, Can-Do Kids

Kate and Brad receive so many e-mailed questions, that responding individually is difficult. FAQs are updated regularly, to help those wanting to learn Smart Parenting insights and tips.

1. What, in a nutshell, is Smart Parenting?

Smart Parenting is coaching kids to help them make better and better decisions in all parts of their life, so that when they grow up they are happy, successful adults.

2. How can I tell if mine is a “can-do kid?”

Can-do kids identify themselves by eagerly wanting to solve problems and do things themselves, thinking through ways to solve problems, and showing confidence in their ability to make good decisions. You probably don’t have a can-do kid if you solve most problems for your kid, think things through for your kid, or have a kid that is short on self-confidence.

3. High achievers are super resourceful, can-do parents, so they easily raise can-do kids, right?

Unfortunately, no. Many high achieving parents give their kids too much stuff, squashing their motivation, and they make too many decisions for them, making them poor at solving their own problems. We have surveyed high achieving parents, and less than 10% have kids who are resourceful.

4. Does Smart Parenting create high achieving kids?

Yes. A title we considered was How High Achieving Parents Raise High Achieving Kids. But it’s not just for potential high achievers. Mia Peterson has Down Syndrome and her parents raised her using their own version of Smart Parenting. Today, instead of being supervised 24/7, Mia is independent, living and working on her own.

5. What’s a simple example of Smart Parenting at work?

Here’s one we witnessed: a four-year-old lost a toy in the back of an SUV, and asked his grandfather to find it. The grandfather said, “I can’t reach it—my arm’s too big, what should we do?” The child tried to reach it and didn’t have a long enough arm. Grandpa could have easily removed the back seat to retrieve the toy, but instead asked, “Golly, how can we get it?” Suddenly the four-year-old said, “I know,” ran to get an ice scraper, and was able to push the toy out from under the seat. He ran around the house gleefully shouting to everyone, “I figured it out, I figured it out!” This simple example contains the essence of Smart Parenting… be positive and encourage the child to figure things out on his own.

6. Does it take a time-consuming, advanced Smart Parenting activity for kids to catch on?

No. It sometimes is a very short, simple activity that is successful. For example, instead of dictating what a 10-year-old girl would wear to a birthday party, parents said, “Tiffany, if you lay out three sets of clothes and say what you’d like or dislike about each, you get to choose.” Her parents complimented Tiffany sincerely on her decision processes. “It was the first time her dad and I could think that we complimented, rather than criticized, her judgment, and it made a real impression on her because she said, ‘see, I can be smart.’”

7. What motivates kids to become more passionate about making good decisions?

Two things. One is results. Kids naturally become proud of their ability to figure things out when their decisions turn out to be good ones. The second is praise from parents. Sincere praise. It’s almost like cheerleading: “Tommy, good for you for figuring out how to organize your study desk!”

8. What are the most valuable gifts a parent can give a child?

Love and resourcefulness. Resourceful people are can-do people. High achievers are motivated to figure out how to get over, around, or through obstacles. They live to meet challenges, because they are resourceful.

9. Do kids want to be resourceful, or do parents have to force them to learn it?

Forcing kids to learn things is usually fruitless. We believe every child begins life bursting with the desire and potential to be highly resourceful. The human species has evolved because of resourcefulness. Almost every movie we can think of for five-year-olds and older features resourceful, can-do kids, figuring things out. Think about Nemo, Home Alone, Harry Potter.

10. Is resourcefulness in kids always a good thing?

No. Think of how Tom Cruise was a resourceful teenager in Risky Business (organizing prostitutes for his friends). Think of street gangs. Smart Parenting turbo-charges motivation and resourcefulness, but parents must provide moral guidance for their can-do kids to do the right things.

11. What happens when parents stifle resourcefulness in their kids?

The opposite of Smart Parenting creates kids with a PHD… they are (P) passive, (H) helpless, and (D) dependent on parents to solve their problems. Research shows rising depression and suicide in teenagers, and we feel a key antidote is Smart Parenting, because it creates can-do kids, kids who are up-beat and confident; they should be, because they are successful in life!

12. Smart Parenting advocates self-discipline for kids. Isn’t that like letting the fox guard the hen house?

It’s a good question, and we do not suggest that parents deal with misbehavior by saying, “You impose your own consequences”… UNTIL kids are responsible, can-do kids. Can-do kids are almost never disciplined—they have liberal curfews, and there are few time outs… but only because they are very responsible for their age. They know there will be severe consequences with bad choices. They like the freedom and independence they earn, and when they mess up (as all kids do) they impose real consequences on themselves.

13. If I tell my kids they will be happy, successful adults if they learn resourcefulness, but the benefits sound too far in the future to motivate them. Can kids really buy into it?

Sure, because the results are immediate. All human beings love figuring things out well. When kids solve problems they know it, and they are proud. When adults praise their kids for smart judgments, the kids glow. But here’s the clincher: kids earn more and more freedom and independence when parents trust their judgments more and more.

14. As I start doing Smart Parenting activities, how soon can I expect to see results?

Immediately. Parents tell us that the can-do spark may appear dead, but it merely lies dormant, just waiting to perk up.

SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCES

Would you be willing to share your Smart Parenting experiences with others? You can, either anonymously or with your name given. Kate and Brad are writing a sequel to Smart Parenting, and it will have hundreds of insights, suggestions, and new case studies from adults applying the skills learned in Smart Parenting.